A LIVING SOUL

typically, i pick up my camera when i want to intentionally set out to capture beauty. i don't take my camera to family reunions. i don't randomly photograph parties. i've never been crazy about photographing moments that i should be experiencing with my five senses. the reason being, that anything less than an amazing photograph just seems like a disappointing one-dimensional depiction of a very real experience.

 this weekend i lost My Inspiration. i find myself looking through pictures of her that have been posted online, but contrary to giving me happy memories, it creates a deeper sense of loss. Carlleena wasn't a dreamer. She was LIVING - spending all day of each day learning, loving, creating, and touching the lives of real people in a very real way. now that she has passed away, i know that i can never again experience Carlleena through all of my senses. It's too early to look at photographs of her. i'm not ready for my relationship with a real, full of life person to be relegated to flat one dimensional photographs. the memories - and even more so, her work - serve me better.

but to some extent this experience is also changing the way i think about photography. i don't have any of MY OWN photographs of Carlleena. we made plans for me to capture her for my In Her Own Skin series, but she only wanted to be captured nude in a very specific way and we never got around to it. and that's cool. but I never want to lose someone i feel so affectionately for without having an opportunity to sit them in front of my camera and capture them in a way that shows how real and beautiful they are to me.

Our Last Interaction (via facebook) 
Saturday May 19 at 3:26pm
CHD:WCK!: "who will get in front of my camera first thing in the a.m. tomorrow? info@chdwck.com"

CARLLEENA: "Might be the only time you can pin me down Lol You need a car :/ so you can get to my house Lol #onedaysoon"

itzsoweezee

"i guess a diamond ain't nothing but a rock with a name

i guess love ain't nuttin but emotion and game.

...gotta change how it's goin down."

-de la soul

Kanye West's Time Has Come!!

CLICK ON THIS LINK! CLICK ON THIS LINK! CLICK ON THIS LINK!

I'M BLOGGING THIS BECAUSE I HAVE A HARDCORE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE DIGGING THROUGH OLD MAGAZINES (in order words, it's an experience i'd love to talk about, but i'm not articulate enough to make people understand how i feel.)

my favorite thing about old magazines - besides ripping up the pictures and gluing them onto something else, is being reminded of the time before you knew what you know. THE FADER mag was my first exposure to kanye west and it's interesting to read an old article to remember my introduction to a person before this thing called life transpires and changes your whole view of things.

UNAPOLOGETICALLY

life is too short. if people are willing to give you their attention, you owe it to them to share something challenging, inspiring, or edifying.

the PURSUIT of happiness...

“sadness can be caused by a great many things, but YOU are the only human being on the planet who makes you UNHAPPY.” -c. eliot cartwright

The Procrastinat[E K]ing

SOMETHING I'M LEARNING: a sense of urgency is important and should be dictated by nothing other than the fact that time will always move forward.
urgency should not be dictated by deadlines or the actions of others. once it's decided that something needs to get done, then now is the best time to do it.

SOMETHING I HAVE ALREADY LEARNED: if you plan on doing it "later", you don't plan on doing it.

"hopin' that my seeds know a little more than i know..."

" the people who love you the most probably won't be "beautiful",
and the ones who most positively impact your life will probably be corny as hell."
-c. eliot cartwright

pet peeve #3

being sent on wild goose chases.
...and wild gooses (geese).

lesson learned #52

unwrap the present.

CHD:WCK! in Africa

two things i must do this year are see THE ROOTS live in concert, and spend a month in Africa. i have no idea how i am going to make my Africa trip happen, but i decided to create a collage to keep my goal in front of me.

lesson learned # 43:

the reason you don't adjust your prices for people is because the people you adjust your prices for, won't buy your stuff anyway.

comforting (...at least to me)

as i get older, lengthy periods of time seem to get shorter and shorter - months blow by like days, and years like a few months. but no matter how fast time may fly by, a day always feels like a day. each new day gives me ample time to accomplish what i'm supposed to accomplish that day.

hey my man... what it look like

one of my biggest problems in life is i tend to think TOO much. i always want to know what something is going to look like before i get into it. instead of jumping into the project, the fear that it won't look or end up "right" is paralyzing. at the end of the day when nothing new is done, and i have nothing to look back on as progress, i feel defeated, my energy drained, and my momentum lost.

one thing i'm learning and trying to embrace, is that the vision is enough. just the fact that something MOVES me to create is sufficient reason to jump into it. the net will appear. there's no need to ask myself, "hey my man... what it look like?" when i jump into it, the resources will become abundant. people will cooperate. and when the door opens, everything will come out just the way it should. the final product will be amazing.

"you one of them fishes, I know your mind switches",

PREFACE:i only come here to say it,
because once it's down on "paper"
i can return to it to see it everyday.

i was reflecting on a conversation i had with my big sister recently.
i was reflecting on my internship and reflecting on my job (both of which i enjoy).

i feel like Common when he said

"i'm writing for my life cause i'm scared of a day job."

i realized i'm scared of a "9-5" - not because i'm lazy.

i've realized i don't fare well in situations where my excellence has to be validated by others. i don't like having to impress somebody every day and proving my worth to them. i'm not the perfect employee, but i hate when what i do well is overlooked by others. i love when i get to work and someone gives me 6 to 8 hours worth of work to keep busy. i hate when i get somewhere and there's nothing to do. a bad work day for me, is when i'm busting my @#$ or when i go above and beyond, and it is unsure whether my work is appreciated.

and you don't pay me enough!

and i don't have any vacation!

that's why i love art. i love looking at an image i captured or a piece of art that i created and thinking, "damn! i'm nice". i only have to prove it to myself. i recognize that i have a lot of growing to do as an artist, but when i grow, i see it. and as long as i see it i don't have to stop. no one can let me go, because i'm not the "most valuable" employee. i don't have to compete with others for my value to be appreciated. i don't have to BS anyone about what i do. i shoot stuff that doesn't move. and i do it well. i paint a woman with a big @#$ afro. why because AphroWoman is a hottie. and if you think she's as beautiful as i do - cool. if you don't - cool (now pardon me, cause i'm about to paint her again). i can let people see things how i see them. you can see what i think is beautiful. i can give you a piece of me. and that feels great. i could do this ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.

"i'm writing for my life cause i'm scared of a day job."

money's tight. but it's a recession. i don't need to worry about a damn thing. all i need to do is paint, paint, shoot, learn how to draw and paint better, draw, shoot, paint at dia's, paint with antoine, draw, paint with jaeson, draw, and paint. and when i don't have room to put the work, find some walls to throw that $#@! on.

preferably, someone elses.

pet peeve no. i

women under 40 who shave their eyebrows off and then draw
them in crook'd or too thin. (they're eyebrows - not lines).
sigh...

oh SNAP!!!

i'm amazed at the power of focus.
i still often lack in focus,
but i've been amazed at how many people
i've recently been able to connect with - all of whom
are people whose work i've been paying attention to
or set my mind on in some manner or another.

my connections are really inspiring. and as i increase my
focus, i'm sure even more great things will come my way,
both in quantity and quality. AWESOME!