typically, i pick up my camera when i want to intentionally set out to capture beauty. i don't take my camera to family reunions. i don't randomly photograph parties. i've never been crazy about photographing moments that i should be experiencing with my five senses. the reason being, that anything less than an amazing photograph just seems like a disappointing one-dimensional depiction of a very real experience.

 this weekend i lost My Inspiration. i find myself looking through pictures of her that have been posted online, but contrary to giving me happy memories, it creates a deeper sense of loss. Carlleena wasn't a dreamer. She was LIVING - spending all day of each day learning, loving, creating, and touching the lives of real people in a very real way. now that she has passed away, i know that i can never again experience Carlleena through all of my senses. It's too early to look at photographs of her. i'm not ready for my relationship with a real, full of life person to be relegated to flat one dimensional photographs. the memories - and even more so, her work - serve me better.

but to some extent this experience is also changing the way i think about photography. i don't have any of MY OWN photographs of Carlleena. we made plans for me to capture her for my In Her Own Skin series, but she only wanted to be captured nude in a very specific way and we never got around to it. and that's cool. but I never want to lose someone i feel so affectionately for without having an opportunity to sit them in front of my camera and capture them in a way that shows how real and beautiful they are to me.

Our Last Interaction (via facebook) 
Saturday May 19 at 3:26pm
CHD:WCK!: "who will get in front of my camera first thing in the a.m. tomorrow? info@chdwck.com"

CARLLEENA: "Might be the only time you can pin me down Lol You need a car :/ so you can get to my house Lol #onedaysoon"